Wednesday, July 14, 2004

been sobbing since just now. couldn't stop. couldn't resist. i dunno what to do. big balls of tissue papers were thrown all over.. soked in salty tears. my eyes were as swollen as goldfish now. what will happen tmr? my eye bags were pretty much sagged, blackened, and wrinkled. i look so haggard, so haggard.

i stuffed myself with food. all sorts. chips, ice creams, hotdogs, bread, etc. i feel so bloated. the feeling of throwing up is so near.

when i heard what you both had done last night, i burst into tears immediately. no control over the volume. they just squirt and flow. dont ask me why.

is it really beyond hope? are there any antidote that can help? are there any miracles that can happen? hopes, wishes and miracles are so far beyond my reach. i am disappointed, i feel so empty in my brain now. oblivious of what i'm thinking. i hate this emptiness. been hours, and tears' not been stopping.

i cant see clearly. i feel dizzy. my footsteps' not been regular when i walk. my ears are somehow stuffed with invisible cotton. i cant hear properly. i will only realise there's a car when it's near. what's happening to me? am i not prepared for the worst? i think i am. but i guess i'm not. but everything seems to be disadvantages to me.

i'm so useless. i cant catch hold of any men's heart enough. where are the promises u made? where are the sweet talks u did to me? where are all the happy moments? and where are all the boring moments? what about quarrels?

i felt so disappointed. i cant do anything. i cant reach out anything. emptiness is all around me. yuan ting talked to me. i'm so lucky to have a friend who's waking up early in the morning 545 tmr and willing to talk to me till 1am. thank you.

but i couldn't help it. i couldn't stop my tears. i'm drying up soon. suddenly, memories filled my mind. all the moments for the past 10 months. i dont know. im lost. in a maze. everywhere seem to have only me. and me alone with clones. i just look so haggard. i hate my eyes to be puffy. but they couldn't listen to me. my brain couldn't coordinate with my eyes.

they chose to be swollen. and thereby listening to 'cai ai dao yi ban' by 2 girls. i never thought i would use this song to represent myself. every sentence seem so meaningful. it made me tear more. i wish i could sleep now. but i would not be able to open my eyes tmr. it'd be all sealed by dried up tears.

is it me? or we? *shrugs* question marks all over.

i buried myself in arts and music. i tried to draw sth that express what i feel now. i couldnt start. cos there's too many that i'm feeling right now. my eyes' size are reduced by half now. its half closed. not bcos i'm tired. its too swollen. *grabs another tissue*

when i visited edmund's blog, i heard 'yu jian'. it brought back even more memories. *shrugs* maybe the ccl's version, you've lost it. maybe you haven heard it for such a long time. maybe its gone. maybe its still there. maybe its there but u dont know where.

the dreams we had. the future we thought. the happiness it'd bring. its so blur now. how will we end? it's still a question mark. i knew everything is still a disadvantage to me. i knew the hope isn't huge enough for me to hug by my two arms. it's so slim. but i'm hopeful.

eeyore misses you.


Cecilia tagged at 1:00 AM.

out.